Pre-flight briefings get makeover

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Pre-flight airline passenger safety announcements have been in effect since the beginning of commercial airline travel. Over the years those briefings have been occasionally revised to reflect upgraded safety measures such as noting the location of personal flotation devices and instructions on using on-board firearms. But for the most part, the required announcements that precede every take-off have remained unchanged.

Now the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) will allow airlines to significantly shorten and tailor these pre-flight passenger briefings to better fit what the agency calls "the individual personalities of the airlines and the shortened attention span and unique characteristics of their passengers."

Certain instructional requirements must still be met, but airlines now have the latitude to present those instructions in a manner that they feel best reflect the airline and its passengers.

In particular, regional carriers, which cater to an especially distinct demographic of passengers, are anxiously awaiting the adoption of the new pre-flight briefings. Toward that end, the FAA released sample pre-flight briefings from four flight regions in the U.S. These announcements (see below) are examples of what the airlines may wish to adopt and what passengers can expect when they fly in those regions.

Northern Region

• ▪ Okay. Good day. So, how's it goin', eh?
• ▪ Welcome aboard Great White Airways.
• ▪ Our flying time today to Grand Forks will be aboat one hour, eh.
• ▪ Our pilot, okay, Captain Sven Jorgennsen, yaa, has requested that all you hosers lash on their seat belts, eh, so we can get a goin'.
• ▪ If you need to relieve yourself during the flight, fur sure you can use the john. You betcha.
• ▪ But don't be smokin' any cigarettes or stogies or nutin'. That just ain't allowed, donchano.

Eastern Region

• ▪ Yo. Listen up.
• ▪ Me and Captain Eddie Salvino and the rest of us crews stuck here on New Jersey Air wants to welcome yoose guys on board.
• ▪ I hopes yoose all had a chance to hit the head before you got on the plane 'cause on this short flight to Philly yoose gotta stay in your seat. So put on your belt—now!
• ▪ And if you're thinkin' 'bout lightin' up, fugedaboudit.
• ▪ Oh yeah, and when we get there, take your crap with yoose.
• ▪ Budabing, budabong. We're outta here.

Southern Region

• ▪ Will ya'll gimme your attention for a moment please.
• ▪ Welcome, ya'll to Bayou Airlines, flight 998.
• ▪ Don't give no nevermind to bucklin' up today. Captain Jimmy Joe Beauregard said that he expects the flight up to Savannah to be real smooth and real purdy if ya'll want to look outside.
• ▪ If ya'll have to use the powder room on the way, I want to remind you that although you used to could, ya'll can't smoke in there no more.

Western Region

• ▪ It's like totally cool to welcome you dudes and dudettes to Air Malibu's flight 1687.
• ▪ Captain Sunshine Perez expects that it'll take like 25 minutes for us to like tool up to Santa Barbara.
• ▪ We expect an awesome flight with like no clouds or any other like visual stuff so you'll be able to like check out the surf break all the way up the coast.
• ▪ Because this is like a totally fast flight, we ask that you stay in your chairs.
• ▪ But if you've got to make a run to the biffy, remember that there's no lighting up in there. That like totally includes like cigarettes and doobies.

After a 90 day open comment period, the FAA is likely to issue a directive to phase-in the new announcements.