WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Airline pilots, who have been unhappy with the pace of weapons training approved by the government under the Federal Flight Deck Officers (FFDO) program, have now received permission from Congress to carry assault rifles in the cockpits of commercial airliners.

In response to this action from the government, a spokesperson for the Airline Pilots Union (APU) stated, "By allowing pilots to pack automatic weapons, we will be better able to protect our aircraft and in turn protect life, liberty, and the American way. Moreover, our members believe these weapons to be real chick magnets."

The new directive called the Federal Assault Rifle Capitulation Effort, or FARCE, allows any pilot who submits a completed one-page application and $17 to the Transportation Security Administration to purchase a fully automatic assault rifle and carry it with him while on or off duty.

In a related business move, The Boeing Company, believing that congress will continue to yield to the wishes of the APU, has set up an advanced development program to explore retrofitting 737's with air-to-air and air-to-ground missiles.