"AiRifle" will require guns on board
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a surprise announcement, the National Rambo Association (NRA) announced today that it has purchased ailing Monument Airlines for $22.8 billion. In a statement released by the NRA, it noted that the new airline will establish its headquarters in Crawford, Texas and will allow all current Monument employees the opportunity to transfer into new positions there as soon as new bunkers have been completed.
In order to turn around the ailing airline, the new owners have petitioned the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) for a waiver allowing passengers to carry firearms aboard. According to an official at the new airline, the NRA wants to "make it a requirement that every passenger on board our flights be armed. We view this requirement as a sure way to discourage in-flight hijackings."
For passengers who show up for their flights without sidearms, the airline plans to make guns available for rent as well as for purchase at the ticket counter.
In a move that is expected to appeal to pistol-packing passengers, the airline will beef up its routes connecting Texas, Montana, Idaho, and certain urban centers in New Jersey. At the same time, it will begin withdrawing from the California and Vermont markets.
The airline will fly under the name AiRifle Airlines and will soon bear the livery of the company: Winged bullets with smiley faces and the slogan, "AiRifle: Your best shot at arriving on time." Flight attendants have already been issued their new camo uniforms.