GENEVA, Switzerland -- Traveller Hotel Group, operator of luxury resort and spa properties in North America, Europe, and Asia, announced that beginning next year, it will begin a rating system of service stations across the United States.

In a press release issued today, CEO Jean-Paul Chaphrau stated, "For years the objective of every hotel manager of every one of our 435 properties has been to win a five-star rating from the Mobil Travel Guide. This year 417 of those properties garnered four-star ratings, but we have yet to earn a single five-star mark. We believe that there is something fishy going on inside the oil company's rating system and that turn-about is fair play."

Among the items to be evaluated are:

• Weight, size, and grade of the wood block attached to the restroom key
• Noise level of toilet flushing valves (the more noise, the lower the score)
• Noise level of restroom fans (the more noise, the higher the score)
• Number and misspellings and grammatical errors in graffiti on toilet stall doors
• Water color in restroom sink
• Paper towel thickness for customer hand drying
• Listening selection and volume of the radio in the service bay
• Number of fan belts hanging from the fixtures
• Number of used tires stacked by the refuse receptacle
• Intensity and persistence of odor of the attendant(s)
• Number and sub-species of flies on the office window sill
• Amount of grease and oil on repair bills
• Cash register arrangement of key chains, cigarette lighters, and Slim Jims

Clearly alluding to the Michelin and the American Automobile Association, Mr. Chaphrau added, "Depending upon how the program is received by the motoring public, we may introduce ratings of tire manufacturers and auto clubs.”